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I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. After hitting the “snooze” a few too many times. Secretly hoping the frigid temperatures would bring another two-hour delay. So this momma could stock up on a few more hours of sleep. But, the phone never rang. And, I pulled myself out of bed. Sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks and ponytail holder. Ready to face the world. (Or at least the bathroom). Hoping that the restlessness would settle down as I prepared for my day.
But, it didn’t. It just seemed to get worse. And I couldn’t pinpoint a reason.
Other than how “uncertain” things have seemed for us over the past month. Life has tossed a few curveballs our way. And our batting average is just so. No homeruns. But, we’ve landed on base most of the time.
Last night was r.o.u.g.h., sweet friends. These precious little babes have been in the amazing care of close family and friends over the past few weeks. But, it’s been a lot of bouncing around. A lot of out-of-the-ordinary for them. And it finally came to a head. No naps. Adjusted schedules. The trying to understand where they will be while we are at work, each day. Pure exhaustion. We all hit a point. And it wasn’t pretty.
There were tears. Raised voices. Stomping. Slammed doors. Apologies. Cuddles goodnight. Prayers for forgiveness. And prayers for the closure of the recent ambiguity.
Each-and-every day, He has sent a “knight-in-shining-armor” my way. Saving the day. Yet, I still continue to question. Over-and-over again. Sometimes I feel like a little kid. With the zillion “Why?” questions…you know the one. You might have one living under your same roof at this very moment. Right now, that’s me….
~”Why is this not happening?”
~”Why IS this happening?”
~”Why can’t I just relax, and let life take its course?”
~”Why do I feel this way?”
And, oh beautiful souls, I cannot tell you how much patience He must have for me and my questioning. Most of which stems around control. Timing. Planning it all out. I have a treasure-chest stocked full of moments. Those priceless realizations when His plan finally came together, in front of my very eyes, and I understood perfectly. Exactly. Why. All of my requests were answered. In His time. Which is very much different than our time.
I am fairly certain I am knee-deep in the middle of a life lesson right now. To prove to myself that I can do it. That I can figure things out. That I can step out of my comfort zone. Make it through the day. And look back with pride that I adjusted, and helped the girls adapt as well, along the way. I am also fairly certain that life is not going to return to “normal” anytime soon. There will still be juggling. There will still be days of last-minute changes. And the ultimate need for flexibility. But, I know, as long as I never lose sight, and hold, of my faith, everything will continue to unfold just “so”, and life will fall back together when I least expect it.
And just to make sure I got the point this morning, as I opened our medicine cabinet to pull out some chapstick, I found this gem (that I had received from one of my beloved aunts and hung on the door face ever since):
“As I go forward, step by step, the way will be opened up to me.” (Proverbs 4:12)
He never fails. He never loses his patience. It’s unconditional. He never leaves me alone with my uncertainties. For longer than He knows I can handle. And for that, my heart could never be empty. And my worries can never become too much. For that, I am gratified beyond words.