Updated: Jul 27, 2020
Ohhhh, friends. I have a confession to make. A big one. You know how I shared my “Fearless” post on New Year’s Eve? About living in LESS fear and living in MORE faith? Well, I failed. On the first day of my banner word’s debut. I crashed and burned. Three rounds of tears. I was completely filled to the brim with anxiety. About being away from the girls. About returning to work. About balancing it all. About uncertainties. Decisions. And I couldn’t quite pull myself out of it.
I tried my best to put on a happy face for the girls, but Baby Nugget caught me. I tell you…she is the bEsT. She knows how to light up a room, let alone someone’s day. (Not to mention this mama’s heart.) And she smothered me with her sweet little kisses. Over and over again. But I still couldn’t shake it.
I made it through the day, but when those precious home-filling giggles ceased for the night, the thoughts revved right back up again. And I was s.t.r.u.g.g.l.i.n.g. more than I have in a long time. And despite my husband’s warm and comforting words, it was something inside of me that needed to be addressed. Calmed down. By reaching deep within my mind. But even more importantly, my heart, and my soul.
And so I turned to what I know best. To Who I know best. Who will listen. Comfort. Console. Answer. Guide. Hold my hand. And I prayed. Hard, sweet friends. I offered it all up. In a brutally honest way. That I needed help. Because I was failing. Falling apart. Becoming inundated, once again, with fear. I just needed to let Him know, that, however things were supposed to turn out, that was fine, but I just needed His reassurance. I just needed to know that I had one magnificent Power on my side.
And when I was done…I washed my face. Wiped it dry. And went back downstairs. Trying to salvage the very last moments of the past year. With my incredible husband. We made it to midnight and off to bed. The evening came to a close, with morning to follow.
Sweet friends, can I tell you…that within 12-18 hours of that prayer, I had three answers unfold before my very eyes. Through an email. A text. And a phone call. Each of which peeled away more and more of my anxiety-ridden layers. I felt my heart open. My mind slow down. And my lungs take advantage of some much-needed fresh air.
Things aren’t perfect. The last three weeks have been incredibly hard. But we are pulling ourselves back out. Finding more normalcy. Life is not meant to be perfect. Hard lesson learned (over…and over…and over, again) for this perfectionist. And I realize, all I can do is try my best. Know that there are going to be bumps in the road. But that smooth ground will always return.
I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself lost in such prayerful beauty. And that’s the incredible serenity surrounding it all. There are no rules with prayer. Just you and God. Hanging out. Talking. Holding hands. Exchanges words. Vows. Whispers. Tears. Of sadness. Of worry. Of joy. Shouts of Thanksgiving. For prayers answered. Questions. Why’s? What-if’s? There is absolutely no right-or-wrong. Such a powerful exchange. That can take place any time, anywhere. Any way you feel is needed. There is a.l.w.a.y.s. someone listening.
Not just “someone”. The One. Who holds all the answers…all the guidance…all the piece of mind…in His heart. Ready to share with us. If we just open ourselves completely. To the beauty of prayer.