• easpenner

Flawed

Updated: Jul 28

Another grand scheme of perfection.

And another day late.

Once again, I had hUgE plans for this little nest of mine. And once again, life happened. Sweet, beautiful, unpredictable life. Five little sets of mouths. Ten hands. Needs. Wants. Tears. Laughter. Exhaustion. And so much amazingness.

A new baby. Volunteer commitments. Sports schedules. An occasional vacation with a very hardworking husband. A new school for our girls. A push to help as much as possible. Bigger commitments. Some very sick little cookies. A tonsillectomy. The holidays.

A New Year approaching.

Everything was pushed to the wayside.

Then, December started barreling through. And 2018 was coming to an end.  I had written more words, posts, book pages and thoughts this past year than I had even realized. But, nothing was shared.

Wasted talent, I thought. So many times, I had set out to sit down and share a story. A scripture. Words of encouragement. Something funny and totally relatable. And each and every time, something held me back. A distraction. An appointment. Tiredness. Worry of what others would think, or even care? I had it stuck in my mind that everything had to be just p.e.r.f.e.c.t. before opening this space up to the world again.

It became a quest of sorts. Finding the “perfect” time to relaunch. Reaching out to designers over the summer to help me revamp things. And then realizing just what that would cost. Feeling defeated. And a little lost.

Back in June, almost exactly halfway through the year. I received a notice that I needed to update my payment to continue utilizing this little space. That week brought a serious crossroads to the forefront of my life. I was busy. But my heart wasn’t ready to let go. I had created it over five years ago. It had become a place of faith. Renewal. And inspiration. But, before I knew it, the busyness of life had taken over once more, and the deadline had past.

My heart dropped when I received the email that payment was a day past due. My entire writing world was wrapped up what I had built and created here. I wiped away a few tears and chalked it up to my current season of life. I was a day late. And possibly too late. I said a big, pleading prayer. I told God that I knew He had it all figured out, and if there was a way to make it work, I knew He would make it work. I can just imagine Him sighing. Hadn’t He shown me over and over again just what faith can do?

And sure enough, within 48 hours, another email.

Site renewed. I don’t exactly know how. I really don’t. But, I do know that I was absolutely certain that God still needed me to share my words with others. Maybe now. Maybe six months from now. But, no matter what, I made sure to write. Type. Handwrite. Jot. Make notes. Email ideas to myself. Whatever it took to keep pursuing this little growing seed. This time, I wasn’t going to waste the reel of thoughts spinning through my mind. I was still feeling lost, but much more inspired.

Finally, I decided to just jump in with both feet, and go from there. Excited. Motivated. “On-fire.” And then I landed. Right smack in a muddy puddle of sorts.

And the questions started pouring in, grasping tightly to the anxieties I was certain I had at-bay…

~Was I really ready for this?

~Why did I commit to so many things at once?

~What if I took too long of a break and no one cares about my words any longer?

So, I pulled away once again. Hiding in my shell. And watching others take on the world.

You see, sweet souls, this little nest of mine has never, ever stopped tugging at my heart strings. But perfect just isn’t in the cards. Because “perfect” is something I realize that I will never, ever attain. Perfection is simply a grand mirage. The greatest life-illusion of all.

“If you wait for perfect conditions, you’ll never get anything done.” (Ecclesiastes 11:4)

Wow. How incredibly true. I would literally be waiting forever. Because this perfectionist was chasing after an impossibility: perfection.

Usually, as one year draws to a close, I spend some time praying and preparing to choose a word for the upcoming year. A word full of personal meaning to me. A word that can be tied to goals and dreams. To wishes and hopes. But the thing is, over the past few weeks, the more I tried to narrow down my golden “word” for 2019, the more my mind was flooded with other words. And I just couldn’t shut it down.

Then, a lightbulb moment.

Who says we have to pick just ONE word for the New Year? Just ONE goal? ONE resolution? That’s not how I plan anything. Especially as a writer. I embrace those overflowing thoughts and words. So, instead of fighting the flood, I just let the words inundate my mind. Maybe they will make sense one-by-one, each month. Maybe God will unfold their meaning in some kind of incredible way. Maybe they will be tucked away into the tiny depths of life’s experiences. But somehow, some way, I have no doubt that each-and-every word will find its role in my life. Possibly in a way that I could have never, ever imagined.

-Balance

-Priority

-Grace

-Fearless

-Courage

-Detoxify (Life)


-Flawed

-Self-Care

-Personal (In the Moment)

-Beauty

-Still (Peace)

-Listen



There is a thought that has always-and-forever remained in the forefront of my heart. And beginning a New Year with big, flawed dreams once more, brought it immediately to mind…

If we were perfect...impeccable….faultless….umblemished…we would have absolutely no need for faith. No need for help. No need to rely on one another. To work together. And most especially, no room for our dependence on God. Perfection and faith simply cannot coexist.

Flawed is actually the only way to be. Our flaws are what hold the key to creating our life’s stories. All wrapped into one grand adventure.

So, cheers to 2019, beautiful souls. May it be full, blessed and unequivocally flawed.

#Personal #Dreams #NewYear #Writing #Goals

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